Self-care when you self-identify as bonkers

Self-care when you self-identify as bonkers is always going to be challenging.
 
As part of the Contemporary Theatre and Performance module of my course I decided to write an essay on self-care in the current climate.  This decision was partly based on my visceral reaction to some of the academic research we were set covering ‘Conditions of Performance’.  The readings aimed to ‘explore issues such as intimacy, sexual harassment, gatekeeping and exclusion, and wellbeing.’
 
Weeping whilst reading scholarly articles wasn’t in my script.
 
From Decca Aikenhead’s, We all knew about sexual harassment. We. All. Knew. in the Guardian to Friedman, O’Brien and Laurison’s article ‘Like Skydiving without a Parachute’: How Class Origin Shapes Occupational Trajectories in British Acting I found myself when reading around this subject sobbing, gasping for breath and standing up from my research to walk in aimless circles.  Too much of the content struck too close to home.
 
So close to home that it has taken six weeks for me to be courageous enough to start publicly documenting my own search for sensible self-care strategies.  Even though I am aware that the readership of this public exploration is likely to be tiny, I am still struggling with coming clean in a public forum about my own mental health challenges.  In fact, part of the hard, but invisible, work behind this writing is wrestling with the idea of broadcasting these issues.
 
Some of my stumbling first starts:
 
30th Dec 2019
My diagnosis of serious mental health problems came after the birth of my first child but I had already had significant episodes of depression and suicidal thoughts before then.
 
I still wonder of my initial diagnosis would have been different if my brother hadn’t been diagnosed as bipolar the year before I had my loss of speech meltdown.
[written early afternoon]
 
[Later, around 6:30 pm]
I have been struggling with how personal I want to make this essay and what time span I can usefully cover. As well as devouring the introduction to Witkacy’s The Madman And The Nun on the way to the flat I have been reading Franca Rama’s introduction to Fo’s Can’t Pay Won’t Pay on the way back.  I love the early twentieth century theatrical experimentation in Witkacy’s work and Fo/Rama’s contribution to my understanding of political theatre (similar in many ways to SH!T Theatre’s approach) had a powerful imprint on the way I wanted to perform.  Making stories that resonate has always been my aim since my first forays into playwriting and directing in primary school.  Story-making helped make sense of a crazy world.  Witkacy’s early childhood playwriting and his search for form as described in the introduction resonate too even if I am new to his oeuvre.
 
Witkacy’s struggles with depression chime only too well.
 
29th Dec
 
Still freaking out
 
27th Dec
Being feeble is OK
Especially when you need to be human
 
23rd Dec
 
Freaking out
 
21st Dec
I first really started to think about self-care on 25th September 2019 at the Misbehaving Bodies exhibition at the Wellcome Collection.
 
In my notes on lined paper stuck into my scrapbook I have written:
Commentary THE PICTURE OF HEALTH 
“Using a technique called ‘reframing’ (borrowed from Neurolinguistic Programming) Rosy and I began to work together to give ourselves (and each other) ‘permission to dispay’ new visual selves to the camera”
 
From the programme/brochure for the event: 
       A roundtable discussion between the Artists Oreet Ashery and Martin O-Brien with academic Patrizia Di bello and curator George Vassey, at Wellcome Collection, London 11 March 2019 
 
MARTIN   Oreet’s and Jo’s work is all about agency in relation to treatment, and the exhibition seems important in this context.  Society typically promotes wellbeing and offers biomedicine as the authority, so there is something very radical about thinking, ‘How do I live with this illness on my own terms?
 
…..
 
Was my personal resonance with this exhibition to do with my own mortality, that of my loved ones or a mixture of the two?  Was it coloured by a resonance with the idea of making my own work and freeing myself from the shackles of seeing autobiographical work as self -indulgent? 
(this might be better in website jottings – yup)
 
19th Dec
 
Distracting myself from writing with further research and thinking back on what constitutes work and good parenting (caring for children).
 
Salt – Selina Thompson – work can be sitting on the tube listening to music whilst you think/create – from podcast with Jen?

Playing Marat’s lover in the Marat/Sade and rubbing the skin off.
 
Little bit later – reading the article recommended by Dee.
 
from p3
       Ainsworth reflects a culture-specific ideal of good parenting in reaction to a view of healthy infants as emotionally expressive, entitled, independent agents.  (Heidi Keller et al on sensitive responsiveness The Myth of Universal Sensitive Responsiveness)
 
https://www.researchgate.net/publication/322405561_The_Myth_of_Universal_Sensitive_Responsiveness
 


…….
 
 
My stumbling starts have been in response not just to my tangled thoughts and feelings but also the range of research available.  My greedy, curious self has been gobbling googled links.  These are some of the more significant (excuse the less than elegant layout):
 
20th Dec
 
Suffering and strength: Bobby Baker's portraits of living with mental illness
 
https://www.theguardian.com/artanddesign/video/2010/may/12/art-mental-illness?CMP=Share_iOSApp_Other

New artists and mental health resource: Bobby Baker on making art that explores traumatic experiences - a-n The Artists Information Company
https://www.a-n.co.uk/news/new-artists-mental-health-resource-bobby-baker-making-art-explores-traumatic-experiences/
 
13 Questions: artist Bobby Baker
http://www.bbc.co.uk/ouch/interviews/13_questions_artist_bobby_baker.shtml (see notes)
 
 
 
17th Dec
Let's teach our daughters 
http://powerfulmind.co/lets-teach-our-daughters/
 
10th Dec
Smiling depression
https://theconversation.com/smiling-depression-its-possible-to-be-depressed-while-appearing-happy-heres-why-thats-particularly-dangerous-110928
 
6th Dec
Joan Didion
In Grief, Joan Didion’s Move From Fiction to Memoir

https://lithub.com/in-grief-joan-didions-move-from-fiction-to-memoir/
 
 
5th Dec
Taika Waititi
THE BEST ADVICE I EVER RECEIVED
I think you can imagine what my answer’s going to be. The thing I’ve come to realize is that no one really knows anything. It’s just all a big charade. You just have to be convincing. When you’re on set, you have to show no weakness, you have to really protect yourself, because if the crew smells weakness it can derail the whole thing. The aspect of directing I find really funny is that often you make decisions just because you don’t want to be seen to not know what you’re doing.
 
https://deadline.com/2019/12/taika-waititi-jojo-rabbit-next-goal-wins-on-my-screen-interview-news-1202799551/?fbclid=IwAR3iLqXH_23z8UfkBeMe4iApkswaVYYXkLSuBnGyfb_TSPF_MP2PeYOpi8o
 
29th November
Intimacy co-ordinator - sex scenes after #MeToo
‘Filming my first sex scene prompted an onslaught of questions from friends (their eyes gleaming with mischief): were you naked?’
 
https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2019/nov/27/sex-scene-metoo-fim-industry-nudity
 
27th November
Stop Saying Women Have A Confidence Problem – It’s An Epidemic Of Mental Illness Caused By Sexism
Women make choices in a context. It’s time to fix the context, instead of fixing the women, Young Women's Trust CEO Sophie Walker writes.
 
https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/mental-health-women-sexism_uk_5d9eeacbe4b02c9da0447676?ncid=other_huffpostre_pqylmel2bk8&utm_campaign=related_articles&guccounter=1
 
Women's Mental Illness Is A Reaction To Oppression
We've always known sexism is bad for women's mental health – now we can prove it, Young Women's Trust CEO Sophie Walker writes.
https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/women-sexism-mental-health-illness_uk_5ddd55ace4b0913e6f74b4b9?ncid=other_twitter_cooo9wqtham&utm_campaign=share_twitter
 
22nd November
Randolph Nesse explaining how the science of evolution and psychiatry can help us understand anxiety, depression and more

 https://www.blinkist.com/magazine/posts/simplify-psychiatry-randolph-nesse?utm_source=cpp
 
 
The Life-Changing Magic of Validating Your Own Feelings
Radical empathy starts with ourselves
https://humanparts.medium.com/the-life-changing-magic-of-validating-your-own-feelings-3e167b59d194
 
 
18th November
 
If we value artists
https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2019/jul/09/value-artists-benefits-ireland-britain-creative-industries?CMP=Share_iOSApp_Other


Initial bibliography:
 
Dobbs, Rachel, ‘Precarious Workers Self Care Checklist’, [infographic], Art of Festivals  <https://artoffestivals.com/2018/03/26/self-care-checklist-for-precarious-workers/> [accessed 18 November 2019]
 
Ghelani, Sheila, ‘Checklist of Care’, Wallflower [blog], 1 October 2017
 < https://sheilaghelani.blogspot.com/2017/10/checklist-of-care.html> [accessed 18 November 2019]
 
Harris, Viv, ‘jotting not blogging’, ‘Jottings’ [blog] Viv Harris Performance Lab 12 November 2019 <https://www.vivharris.com/jottings> [accessed 18 November 2019}
 
Hartley, Ria, ‘Ria Hartley’, Islington Mill, http://www.islingtonmill.com/tenant/ria-hartley/ [accessed 18 November 2019]
 
Harcourt, Miranda, interviewed in Act of Murder, NZONSCREEN, < https://www.nzonscreen.com/title/act-of-murder-1993> [accessed 18 November 2019]
 
Leadbitter, James, Disability Awareness Document < http://www.thevacuumcleaner.co.uk/Disability_awareness_document_17.pdf> [accessed 13 November 2019]
 
Murray, Simon, ‘A Conspiracy of Orphans: John Berger and the Art of Creative Attention’, in ‘backpages 27.4’, Contemporary Theatre ReviewVolume 27, 2017 – Issue 4 
 
Nesse, Randolph M., Good Reasons for Bad Feelings: Insights from the Frontiers of Evolutionary Psychiatry (London: Allen Lane, 2019)
 
Tannahill, Jordan Theatre for the Unimpressed: In Search of Vital Drama (Toronto: Coach House Books 2015)