These jottings are a space for my thoughts not directly related to PerfLab practice.
 
Having missed Week 2 my creative juices must have bubbling up under the surface because I seriously considered writing my first short essay on The Lyric’s production of a Doll’s House as a dialogue between two theatre critics, initially named Max Four and Modesty Wanton. The name Max Four came about through a mis-understanding during our Contemporary Theatre and Performance seminar. 

​Max Four writes for The Telegraph, likes a well-made play and leggy blonde in the female lead.  Modesty Wanton writes for the Guardian, has a blog and far too many followers on Instagram. She also makes guest appearances on Radio 4. 
 
I resisted this urge and wrote a relatively bland academic essay.  
 
Building up the courage to be experimental in my writing as well as in performance.

The day before our first Perf Lab, after my first academic seminar in around a decade, I visited the Wellcome Collection to see Misbehaving Bodies.  Jo Spence’s PhotoTherapy was new to me – but I loved it.  I had already been having inklings of a Fosse 'Aloof' inspired image manipulation of the female form and relevant costuming (made from empty contact lens cases).
 
Reminding myself of my previous experience and some of the great people I have worked with in the past: Kneehigh, Trestle Theatre, Martyn Duffy, Ole Brekke, Mark Trezona to try and convince myself out of Imposter Syndrome - I was still petrified about the idea of working as an artist again.
 
Trying to find my way into writing with some sort of clarity about what I wanted I to do and where I wanted to go I went back to look at what I had written in my personal statement: 
 
I am particularly interested in theatrical experiences that combine live performance with pre-recorded images and audio-visuals.  I am also fascinated by the use of interactive spaces and audience/practitioner dialogue.  
Plus: Combining story telling and performance with truly interactive learning.

​
 
I had no idea if I would achieve any of it.

Enrolment Week 
Of course I was nervous. Looking back at my notes I had written “voice”, “self scripted” and “physicality”.  I wasn't sure if I had any voice, any words or any physical presence!
 
I had done my homework and read Selina Thompson’s, ‘salt’ and had been very impressed. I wondered if I would have wanted to sit at the front and when I was researching reviews of the show I found one with a reference to Josette Bushell-Mingo’s show, Nina.  I had worked with her at the very beginning of her career when she showed poise, guts and professionalism beyond her age.  Selina Thompson seemed to have a similar strength. I was gutted to realise that I would have to miss the workshop that she would lead.

I was reminded of ‘woke’ at BAC, Apphia Campbell’s show that had convinced me that Queen Mary was the right place to study.

​I was still really,really scared.